|
| Spears to the Heart.And the perpetual, ever-growing cloud of black, stifling tension pervades every space; every corner, and the helplessness that settles after, lingers even as the moment passes, and all is still. And again, it strikes me how naive I am. That people are only pretensions, and appearances are merely fanciful facades built to conceal the sinister personalities lurking behind. Somehow, I feel so desperate for a solution, some miracle to save him, save her, save us. But the barest cinders of belief flicker, and then fade. I have to be the solution. Or at least, I can only rely on myself, to get out of the perennial shouting matches, the constant hurting. Sometimes I really wish I could be someone else. To stop thinking through everything in such moralistic detail. To feel so much responsibility. But then, I must be grateful for who I am, and (if God exists) what I have been given. I need to buy time; to figure out what to do with myself. I guess I needed this, however dark and terrible it is, to reflect on my behavior for the past few days, and change that.
P.S. Common tests in 3 weeks. SPA happening vv soon. Promos at the end of the year. A levels next year. I don't know if I still believe in myself anymore.
P.P.S Humanity is fickle, and depraved. We judge, with evil intent. How I wish I could peel away the plastered layers of the masks you wear, and show you the vileness you bear. But you and I are all victim to human nature.
| | |
| Dangerous and SweetHoliday yesterday! I like. :D Haha, holidays always provide a very rare opportunity to break free from the dreary conundrum of tutorials, tests, lessons. I actually like doing tutorials though; it's comforting that I take pride and pleasure in my work nowadays. I actually enjoy the subjects I take, and slowly unlocking the challenges they present. I know at this juncture, people would probably roll their eyes unceremoniously and judiciously attribute this to something we so dearly recognise as "mugger-ism". But surprisingly enough, it isn't even about homework and being remotely on par with everyone (or ahead), it's actually the joy of learning. That sounds so corny and preachy, but I'm glad I'm starting to like my subjects and learning about all that we have to learn. Except sometimes I feel it's quite pointless sitting through lectures. of which I can't really comprehend. I find it easier if we digest first, and then teachers go through again, and answer our questions. Okay, I know we are supposed to read our stuff beforehand, but honestly, in contemporary circumstances, who on earth has the time?
Had pt on thursday. True to her word, shuyi, our evil captain (xp) made us run 4km. For someone who never ever runs voluntarily, and dreads 2.4 like hydrocarbons repel water, I actually accomplished such a miraculous feat. And I am so proud of myself! I keep telling anyone who will listen to me. Haha. Had fun laughing with meiyan and the rest of the team over nothing. Hehe. Then watched the guys play tennis for a while. Gosh, some people play quite obnoxiously. And someone (forgot his name again) actually had to cheek to hit a ball against the fence where we were standing and exasperatedly say, "What are you doing?" Erm, catching fireflies, while eating marshmellows over the drain and singing in the rain? Of course we were watching you play tennis; do you have to be so rude?! Goodness. Okay, I wasn't very annoyed, just a little put off by another encounter with the opposite species, and their inherently not-so-friendly nature. I think poo and I are quite disillusioned now. But poo, take heart in that I'll always be there for you! And I know it's quite pointless in me saying this, because if you could you probably would have done this by now, but just try to ignore. Some people just really aren't worth fretting about, and this is one of the times when you have to dig deep, and find it in yourself and forget. At the same time, I think friendships are something dear, and something we should hold onto, so don't let go (yet). <3 Ohohoh, saw Carol and Lainney on Thursday before pt! Rj came over for touch rug match. Was quite startled; so startled in fact, that I forgot to hug them, haha. Kinduv miss them in separate ways. I miss going to Carol's house on Saturdays and just doing and talking about everything under the sun, without having to worry about anything at all. That was when there was no ambitions, no politics, no gossip/bitching. And I miss lainney and apey and tll! And ms see, and taboo (!!!) We should really, really meet up, and do something fun together. Maybe they could teach me the rationale behind touch rug! Rawr, miss them.
/
I wish people would stop judging others based on appearances. 琼楼玉宇，高处不胜寒. Some people think they understand, but they haven't even gotten down to skimming the surface, They think they're all-knowledgeable, when it doesn't even occur to them that they don't know anything. It's so much more complicated and precarious, beyond their own experiences. I think I shouldn't blame anyone, just because I've learnt to cope so well, and keep a front to everything, but honestly, you have no right, at all, to judge, and make fallacious inductions. Just because I look like I won't mind, doesn't mean I am incapable of defending my position and others attacking me. So much for being good natured. I think, NJ exposed me to less desirable characteristics; it's not that people are mean; it's just that they're not nice. So much so that I hardly do anything for anyone anymore, without thinking first of what it means to me, and what benefit it could bring me. I think when I was younger, I was so much more willing to be "stupid" and volunteer to do things for people. But people laugh at you for being childike, innocent, gullible, and I guess they don't mean anything by it, but eventually they rub off you and and you lose the sheen you once had.
| | |
| Heavyhearted; hotbloodedSomething which happened in school today really snapped my last nerve of tolerance. I mean honestly, what ever happened to the carefully feigned system of professionalism and maturity which the so-called voices of authority supposedly possess? Honestly, it should be absolutely farcical that such public display of emotional expression should be projected in the most crude and vulgar fashion. Even the juniors gave us what little credit for any effort on our part, which is laudable, because it's hardly of any obligation to us, but an exhibition of volunteerism. I feel like tossing you off as a meal to rabid dogs, because your existence brings tribulation to mankind. I know this is all histrionics and dramatization, but my objective serves only to lambaste and provide a sense of moral judgment.
/
Had 2.4 today. The weather was awesumm. The sun was shielded by mounds and mounds of clouds, and immediately after I finished, it started pouring like crazy. :D After school, spent a while fuming over ridiculous displays of utter lack of professionalism and appreciation, and then went to Tea Party with Tricia to eat scones (served with a, in my opinion, not-so-generous-but-still-reasonable dollop of strawberry cream cheese) and do our math tutorials; Graphing Techniques. Can't wait for the week to be over, despite the approaching Math test. Rawr.
You seriously marred my day. Damn you.
I'm going to do Math and make myself feel happier.
| | |
| Pretty strangers, and hearts on sleevesHello, in a long (long) time. Haven't posted in a million years, because of all that's been going around lately. Miss my family like !@#$%^&! much. (& it's crazy how people can judge others with such ease and avidity, and they hardly notice all they ever do is barely skim the surface of what lies deep down inside) I guess it's pretty sad to be the only one but then the lone tree stands alone, but strong. I'm growing more and more independent with each passing day. (Poo, aren't you proud of me!)
Anyway, lumos was a blast. Honestly, it was pretty good for my first concert (excluding the crappy pseudo NJ concert; the noise was just rancous cacophony which had the propensity to blow my eardrums, save for the fact I had my hands over my ears half the time, and I left early with MJ and Rachel) There were some kickass singers (!!!) and cute guys (Heh). So yes, the eight bucks was pretty worth it, and it was for a good cause so :D (But I didn't exactly catch the concert's objective. I mean, yes for Pathlight School, and yes, raise funds, but surely it can't be so superficial that there's no existence of a link between rock concert and autism?)
Dumdeedah. I am disinclined to engage in any form of work.
Due:
1. Do third draft for PI
2. Revise Biology ):
3. Do Chem practical
/
"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye.
Now we’re tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's
Nothing to blame At the drop of your name,
It’s only the air you took and the breath you left.
We share the sadness; split screen sadness.
-John Mayer
| | |
| ReflectionThings on my mind:
1. I miss my mom like $#@!^&*()%$, I'm going to explode, rawr.
2. I miss my girls (Jovi, Jeciel, Rone, Jemalyn); I'm going back one way or another.
3. I miss the nj and np people on the trip; I'm laughing at all the tags on fb because they are hilarious (esp Koon Teck)
4. I don't want to go to school, I feel so unprepared for it. Just another reason to justify how much I miss Dumaguete.
5. I can't wait for Lumos to be over, so I don't have to keep worrying over how to keep it from my dad.
6. I miss school, kinduv. Epiphany of a lifetime.
7. I miss my gor, because I miss having someone to give into me just because (no prerequisites and I know he won't judge me).
8. I need to start mugging, honestly. I am such a pig.
9. I am monstrously fat, and desperately trying to ignore the fact.
10. I want children (!!!). I think.
Trying not to sink into depression, at any point in time soon, as I usually do. Keeping my fingers crossed.
| | |
|
